Looking back on something I created in middle school (over 10 years ago) makes me feel great because:
- Most of it is truly terrible writing and it’s really fun to laugh at 12 year old me
- The not awful parts remind me that I have genuine talent and am good at things
- It gives a great benchmark of how far I’ve come as a writer
Recently my mom found a hard drive from my freshman year of college which had a whole host of fanfiction that I wrote in middle school, high school, and a couple in college. On it was the only fiction story I’ve ever completed. As in it has a satisfactory beginning, middle, and end.
I wish Quizilla.com still existed because I don’t remember the summary I gave of the story, but I’m sure it was on par with My Immortal. Titled “Legitimate Self Destruction” the story followed a made up character (me, it was basically my ideal tragic heroine version of me at 12) on a journey of… depression? Romance? Rock n’ Roll? Friendship? Vampires? Honestly, I just wanted to pretend Gerard Way was in love with me.
The fic (whose initials are LSD and the irony was not lost on me) clocks in at just under 30,000 words. I completed it when I was 14 and then went back at 16 and revised it a touch.
For this new adventure in blogging I’m going back to the start and making notes as I read. Sometimes it’s biting commentary on the woeful lack of social knowledge I had as a teenager, and sometimes it’s just pain, unmitigated, pure, pain. Each chapter will have the original text accompanied by bolded comments. To keep this true to myself I’m not going to change a single thing about the original story, so you’ll get to see it in all its glory.
At 12 years old I was a shy, socially anxious child who had a few close friends. But I primarily found comfort and compassion on the internet, messaging girls from around the world and discussing their fanfiction, my fanfiction, My Chemical Romance, and oh em gee, Gerard Way.
The act of writing this story replaced the more traditional act of writing in a diary. It quelled my anxiety and helped me work through a lot of problems (whether they were real problems or problems I constructed in my head is debatable). So while the writing is definitely not up to my current standards and knowledge, the feelings behind it are still just below my own surface. It also helped that at a certain point I had over 200 readers on Quizilla, and got many messages about how amazing the story was. I shudder to think that someone once thought this story was actually good.
Look for the first annotated installment of “Legitimate Self Destruction” next Friday. Oh, and be warned, this story is 80% cliches, 10% angst, 5% plot holes, and 5% poor grammar.