Legitimate Self Destruction #8 – Romeo + Juliet

Here we are yet again. Lisa ran off the bus to go scream at Billie Joe Armstrong, because Billie Joe declared war on Maria and Gerard Way’s “relationship”. Sarcastic quotes because one half-date does not constitute a relationship.

Green Day Bus

Billie Joe answered the knock on the door. Since no screaming started I’m guessing it wasn’t Gerard. Whoever it was the walked into my bunk and sat next to me. Lisa.

“What happened!?” She asked appalled at what ever I did to make Gerard do whatever he did.

“Well. . . ” I explained the whole story again sniffing the entire way through.

“Wow, well Gee isn’t too hott either,” Lisa said wrapping her arm around my shoulder as a sisterly gesture. “He tried to drink NyQuill for the alcohol content.”

I chuckled a little at that as I took off my sweatshirt. They keep tour buses unbelievably hott. As soon as I did that Lisa saw my wrist.

“Maria,” She said my name slowly as if she were unsure of what she were seeing. “What did you do to yourself?”

“Nothing, it’s it’s. It’s nothing. Just slipped with the kitchen knife,” I said shakily. She could tell that I was lying.

Mostly because there’s no kitchen on tour buses.

“Maria, I’ve known you since the 6th grade. You want me to believe that?” She said in shock and slight amusement. “So what happened?”

“Well, I cut, like self destruction kind of cutting.” I said softly, taking deep breaths. “You see it all started…” And so there on the Tour bus on our way to who knows where I told her the entire saga of me and my cutting.


If I could go back in time to talk to 12 year old me, I would spend probably half my time figuring out the answers to all the questions this story raises.

When I finished, she just stared in amazement.

“So that’s why you always wore long sleeves or something like that?” She asked amazed at all the information that she took in, in such a short amount of time.

“Ya it is…” I said leaning back in the bunk so I was staring at the top of the other one. Lisa leaned back next to me.

“Wow, your life sucks on normal days,” She bluntly stated.

“Oh thanks Lisa!”

“No I mean I always thought that you had it easy. You know being Billie Joe’s sister and what not.”

“That’s what everyone thought. But they were all wrong. Every single on of them.”

*Welcome To My Life by Simple Plan starts playing faintly in the background* God, no one understands me. Life is so hard… When will everyone just leave me alone?!

Middle school angst is a real issue, but at 23 I wouldn’t even say this stuff now. So there’s a slim chance I would say it at 26.

“Well at least you can talk to Gerard.”

“Not unless BJ’s there. Did I tell you that? Well ya, he has to supervise all of our talking socializing. Everything, he’s the one who forced me to call him and say all of that you know?”

Lisa looked at me sort of sarcasm shocked.

Talking socializing? As opposed to that cool mime group they’re a part of?

Sarcasm shocked? Honestly, what the fuck does that mean?

Like she knew that but just made the face for the hell of it. I laughed at her. She looked at me and just laughed with me. BJ came in to see why we were laughing.

He probably thought that Lisa had abducted me and traded me with some perky clone. I never laughed, or I hardly ever laughed. I don’t know why, I just didn’t find everything that happened funny. But I was still really mad at him for what he made me do. I looked up at him and stopped laughing.

“Oh I was happy to hear you laugh,” He said smiling at me. “I never get to hear you laugh.”

I just stared at him. My gaze straight and the look as cold as ice. What he made me do now made my heart feel like daggers were ripping through it’s hard exterior trying to make me cold and lifeless. Lisa stood up seeing as the bus stopped.

Well that’s quite a visual I drew there, and quite a… disturbing feeling it evokes. Also, when did the bus stop?! This is worse than Spice World where the bus is inexplicably the same size as an entire apartment floor.

“Maria, do you want to come over and get that CD that I was telling you about?” She said smoothly. We knew when we needed excuses and usually thought of about twenty on the spot.

“Oh that would be great.” I said still cold and harsh. So Billie Joe would know that I wasn’t talking to him anytime soon. I picked up my sweatshirt and bolted to the MCR bus with out anything but my sweatshirt and the clothes I had on. I didn’t even bother with shoes.

I knew BJ would never let me go over there, that’s why I didn’t bother to bring my cell. If I was over there too long though he would know what we were doing and yank my ass right back to Oakland. I hated Oakland, mostly because when Billie Joe went on tour I was stuck with two kids and Addy. Addy, was a great person, just not to me.

Lisa lead me over to where a small group had formed around Gerard. Apparently he wouldn’t talk look or do anything to or with any of them.

That sounds weirdly sexual.

He wouldn’t even pick up his sidekick to talk to his other friends.

He finally spoke. His tone cold and shaky, as if he were about to shatter into a million pieces on the floor never to be seen again. “I’m not doing anything until Billie Joe lets me at least talk to Maria without his supervision. And I know that he’d never do that so I’m sorry guys it’s not going to happen.” He said looking at them sadly. He turned his head to look out the window.

I could almost feel the pain and heart ache that he felt then. I could see it in his eyes. Lisa stepped forward hiding me from view.

“Gee,” She said kindly. He flinched at the name. It was my nickname for him.

It was the entire internet’s nickname for him.

“I think I have something that’ll cheer you up.”

“Nothing could cheer me…” He started but didn’t finish because I stepped out from behind Lisa and hugged him. I he pulled me up and kissed me like we would never see each other ever again. His soft lips were cold and smooth like ice.

The only time, in my life, my lips felt like ice I think I was standing in line at an MCR concert in 22 degree weather.

I loved the feeling of having our lips collide like bumper cars.

This gives me a visual of two people smashing their faces together repeatedly and letting out soft noises of pleasure. Sort of like this meme: tumblr_lmputme3co1qa6q7k_large

I pulled away and he wrapped me in his arms, and stroked my hair gently. I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I swiveled my head to see Lisa holding a Something Corporate CD and gesturing to the outside of the bus where I could just see Billie Joe walking towards the door.

I looked at Gee, and he looked back in understanding. I pried myself from our tight embrace and grabbed the CD, shoving it in my sweatshirt pocket. I ran to the front of the bus and walked out casually. BJ looked at me.

“What took so long?” He questioned skeptically.

“She couldn’t find the CD so we had to search around for it, when we did find it I wanted to write down which tracks were best,” I said showing him the playlist out of order on my hand. I had scribbled it down earlier. I knew that she would do this.

I’m pretty sure Maria is just psychic and won’t admit it to herself or to us. That’s the only way any of this makes sense. This is all a giant ruse to get MCR fans into magic death cults, like the media tried to make you believe in 2006.

“Oh well get back on our bus we’re leaving soon.” He said shoving me lightly. “Oh and you have the laptop for a half an hour today.”

“Half an hour eh? Well now let’s see what I can do in that amount of time.” My conscience said suggestively. I took the computer and immediately checked my blog. I started to furiously type everything from my birthday (April 15) to what just happened (today: April 18). When I was done I still had ten minutes left. I posted and waited. A message dinged on the screen. It read:

I can be your Romeo and you can be my Juliet. We’re like the Montague’s and the Capulet’s. Until next time, your Romeo, don’t let Billie Joe see this message. Until our next meeting,

Romeo Montague! (AKA: Gee Gee)

This sort of sounds like a Taylor Swift song. But no one was cheer captain and everyone wore too much eyeliner. Also, the redundancies in this story astound me. I couldn’t even look two sentences back to see that I already used the cliche “until next time”.

I put the message on private and signed off. I gave the computer to Mike and walked to my bunk, putting the CD in my player and putting my head phones on. I let the music flow through me, and clean me out.

I heard a loud shout and something getting thrown. I thought that Gerard had done something to make BJ even madder then he already was. Boy was I wrong!

I walked out to see Lisa standing in front of BJ like she was ready to attack him.

BUT THE BUS SHOULD IN THEORY BE MOVING AT THIS POINT! This schedule confuses me so much. I’m literally never setting a story anywhere that moves ever again.

“Why are you doing this Billie Joe?” Lisa screamed. “Because you know that it makes both of them miserable and you can spend ‘quality time with Maria?”

“No! I know what he can do to her! Lisa, he was into some heavy shit before and I know how guys like him are!” BJ yelled back equally loud.

“Well give him a chance. He’s different then the rest. I would know,” She said whole heartedly.

“Well I’m not giving him a chance! He had his chance and he lost it!” BJ said back now even madder then before (if that’s even possible). The next I knew Lisa’s hand had come up and smacked BJ hard across the face. She put her hand down and looked at him in disgust before leaving the bus.

He just stood there staring at where she had stood just seconds ago. I walked over to him. “BJ, are you alright?”

“Ya yah, I’m fine. Just fine,” He said before walking slowly off to his bunk. I stood rooted to my spot. I finally moved into my bunk slowly slipping into an uneasy sleep.

Lisa’s POV

I was mad. I can’t believe BJ would do that to Maria. I mean I know Gerard is a little creepy, but he’s a nice guy. I walked on the MCR bus.

“What’s up? What’s wrong?” Frankie asked as I walked in the bus.

“I just slapped Billie Joe.” I said emotionless.

I sat on the couch and just stared into space. Gerard came in and looked at me confused.

“What happened to you?” He asked

“I slapped BJ,” I said. Gerard started laughing very hard.

“You….slapped Billie Joe?” he said

“Yes I did!” I said.

“Oh My God I can’t believe you did!” He said while laughing once again. The bus stopped. Bob walked in.

When did we start moving again? Why did it stop long enough for her to go over to the Green Day bus, slap Billie Joe, and come back only to start moving for approximately 5 minutes?!

“You guys we’re in Massachusetts. We have a show soon we have to get to the Pepperidge Farms arena in 10 minutes!” Bob said herding everyone together.

“You coming?” Frankie asked 

“Yea I’m coming” I said walking to the door. Frankie put his arm around my waist and we walked out. Sitting out side the bus was Billie Joe. “Oh shit” I thought as he walked closer to me. He shot Frank a death glare and frank lipped “sorry” and he left.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

“It’s okay. I know I was in big brother mode but I just want you to understand that Gerard can change Maria for the worst. I have known guys like him and they are/were jerks. I just don’t want Maria to get hurt.” He said. I could see the emotion in his eyes and hear the power behind his feelings.

“Yea I know but you were taking this whole thing to a different level. I had to knock you out of it somehow!” I said as I laughed a little. I was kind of worried that BJ would kill me but BJ laughed too.  He looked at me and I smiled a little. I walked over to Frankie and he wrapped his arm around me.

While not the worst part of the story, not the best, and not interesting enough to even really pick on. I believe this part was also written by Lisa when I got writers block, because this story has no structure or plot.

Next week you’ve got a random guest star to look forward to. Is it another one of my friends from real life? Is it another band? Is it Alec Baldwin? All are distinct possibilities.


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