Legitimate Self Destruction #11 – Home?

Fair warning, this chapter contains a suicide attempt. A very badly written, not realistic, suicide attempt. But it may be triggering or unpleasant none the less.

So we pick up at the VMA after party. You already knew that I was an ignorant 12 year old, but this just puts a cherry on that Sunday.

Addy and Billie Joe went off to dance and I decided to hang back for a while, after all I did have to see if Gerard was there. Well he was there alright, and guess who he was there with? Lisa! Yes as a date. She came running up to me in her lovely red dress smiling obscenely.

“Guess what!?” She said excitedly pulling my out to the dance floor.

“What?” I asked rather hesitant to find out her thrilling news.

“Well Frankie broke up with me, and Gerard was there to comfort me and well,” She smiled at me and led me over to Gerard. He was sitting with the rest of the guys in My Chem.  They were laughing and talking, you know guy stuff. Lisa looked at me and smiled. “Well what?” I asked.

“Well we’re dating!” She said draping her arms softly around Gee’s neck.

First things first, this is definitely against any and all best friendship rules that have ever and will ever exist. You shouldn’t date your best friend’s ex (even if they only dated for less than a week but claimed they were completely in love, and even if they’re all made up versions of people) without asking their permission first. Second, having met Gerard and Frankie I highly doubt they would be interested in dating the same woman, especially since she dated one of them first.

I looked from her, to him to her. From Gee. To Lisa. To Gee. Like watching a tennis match. I couldn’t take this; he said he would never hurt me, that I was his life. Ya when hell freezes over.

I’m laughing too hard at this. I was such a bitter asshole at 13. Really paved the way for the angry, bitter, feminist I am today.

I needed to get out, to kill, to cry, to bleed, to cut! I could feel the hot tears stinging my cold cheeks as I ran for the bathroom. I heard someone running behind me.

My Chemical Romance Table

Frankie was laughing with Gerard and Ray as they all drank Pepsi’s. After Gerard’s little incident with alcohol they didn’t drink much.

Oh, you mean when he drank so much that he literally couldn’t stand because he didn’t know how to function without alcohol? That “little incident”?

Though, to be fair to 13 year old me, I didn’t realize how fucked up Gerard was at the time, or how fucked up alcoholism can get. I’m glad I at least made them all sober-solidarity-bros.

Well yes occasionally they’d drink; but it wasn’t like an everyday thing. Mikey sat watching them talk and laugh, just as if nothing wrong had gone on. As if Frankie had never dumped Lisa, and as if Gee had never cleaned up the pieces. As if Lisa and Maria were just in the bathroom instead of off talking. Mikey knew that this news would break Maria’s fragile, broken heart. She had, had so much horrible shit happen to her, she didn’t need something else.

Gerard wrapped his arm around Lisa’s waist and pulled her close to him, as Frankie downed his 4th martini of the night. Frankie had been taking it kind of hard that Lisa had started going out with Gerard about 3 hours after they had broken up. He needed someone to talk to, a girl someone.

Um, duh. That’s a real douche move. Gerard Way, in real life, is definitely not the type of dude to do that. Again, I’m sorry for the wrongs I have wrought with this story.

Also, a girl someone?! Reading this sentence is like watching a movie and seeing the special effects wires. I know I thought that line was delightfully witty when I wrote it.

Mikey laughed and joked with the rest of the guys acting as if none of this bothered him. In actuality this was killing him softly. Lisa noticed Maria walk in chatting with Addy; she rushed over to greet her. And from there on out you all know what happened.

Time isn’t linear, so it’s possible Mikey saw them already talking and then saw the moment right before they talked. It’s highly unlikely without a lot of science and special equipment. But it’s also the only explanation for this weird time hole.

Or I paid literally no attention to what I previously wrote. Both are viable options.

Maria

I ran into the bathroom my dress waving behind me. I looked in the mirror at my frantic state. My hair was totally a mess out of the bun that it was so nicely in. My eyeliner, and mascara was running down my cheeks and I was as red as the nail polish on my fingernails. I couldn’t handle him anymore. Gerard, and Billie, and just having to live this lie, having to have everyone think that I’m perfect, I know that they love me and this’ll hurt them but I have to do it.

While logically I know that this makes no sense, that no one expected her to be perfect in this story. But having gone through some pretty bad bouts with depression, I understand the feeling of pressure to be a certain way that doesn’t actually exist, but that you think exists.

It’s hard to separate what you’re actually thinking and feeling from what the depression causes you to think and feel. It also becomes surprisingly easy to give into the voices and impulses telling you you’re worthless.*

But at no point in my depression (I can’t speak for anyone else since depression is so personal) did it ever occur to me to commit suicide in a mostly public place.**

That was what was going through my head as I rummaged through my purse for my switch blade. I managed to pull it out and switch it.

Honestly, how did you get that passed the security and into the VMAs?! Why do you even own it?! How did you get it on the plane?! Like I said, post 9/11 world! There is no way she would be able to get that on a plane, much less all the way to a VMA after party. But petty details like that aren’t important to a hormone-fueled 13 year old.

The door burst open and I saw Mikey standing there face flushed breathing heavily. He took out his inhaler and took a few puffs and then settled back down. He looked at me and then the blade.

“Maria!” he said rushing over to me.

“What?” I asked.

“Don’t kill yourself!!”

“Mikey it’s too late for that!” I said new tears forming in my eyes. “Tell Gerard that he’s a bastard for doing this to me when he knows what I’ve been through, and tell him that even though I love him more then anything!” I kissed Mikey softly on the lips. “That was for being there for me!” I took the knife and dug a deep line down the inside of my arm. The pain was searing but wonderful. I watched the blood spill onto the black marble floor as I fell to it.

Black marble. This is some classy ass hotel right here. When annotating this I had to google black marble to make sure it actually exists, because I know at 13 I did not care. Everything just had to be black, like my soul.

I could hear Mikey scrambling around frantically calling an ambulance and getting Billie Joe. I could hear the panic and fear in his voice. He knew he could have stopped me and he regretted not doing anything.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?! What magical abilities do you possess?! Seriously, someone please help me re-write this whole story in the Harry Potter universe.

The last thing I remember before the world fades to black was Billie Joe yelling at Tre to help him carry me.

Mikey’s POV

I saw the blood start to flow fast, strong, and hot from her arm. I didn’t know what to do; I had never been in this kind of situation before. What I did do was frantically run around the room trying to find the door. I finally managed to slam into it, making it open with such a force that I fell face first to the cool black marble of the girl’s room floor. I could see the blood flowing steadily from the deep gash in Maria’s arm. She had cut pretty damn deep and she knew how to do it so she hit the main veins. I felt a few tears sting at the corners of my eyes. How could she do this to me? I thought to myself. She knows that I loved her as my sister! How the fuck could she forget all of that and just go and kill herself!! I ran through the packed club pushing people that I knew, didn’t know, my friends, and then total strangers out of the way.

“GERARD!” I screamed once I got to the table. He wasn’t even listening to me! The one time when someone he cares for really needs him he screws them over.

I highly doubt this is the one time someone he cared about really needed him. I mean, you literally grew up together Mikey. Get your head out of your ass, I’m sure he saved you from some dumb-ass-shit as a small child. At least in this weird alternate universe I know he did.

He was making-out with Lisa while his “girlfriend” went out and KILLED HERSELF!!

Why is this in quotes?! I didn’t think they were officially dating. But honestly in that big ass time jump who knows what happened.

Frankie looked at me frantically he dropped his drink letting the glass smash by his feet. He crunched right over it and ran up to me. I looked at him nervously, and then ran over to Billie Joe.

“Mikey, what’s wrong?” He asked me.

“Maria, she…she…she…” I couldn’t say it. Saying it would mean that she honestly tried to do that, it would make my fear a reality.

“Spit it out!” Addy said getting a bit antsy.

“SHE SLIT HER WRIST!” I screamed!

Even he is surprised by his reaction.

I had to scream. If I didn’t they wouldn’t have heard me. Billie didn’t even think to ask where she was, he just shoved me forward, in attempt to make me move. I got the message and hurried to the girls bathroom. I opened the door and I could see her laying there not even attempting to stop the bleeding. Billie Joe bent down next to her.

“She’s still alive but her breathing is really shallow. She doesn’t have a lot of time left.”

Oh so suddenly you’re a doctor. This is so clearly written by someone who hadn’t taken a basic biology class yet.

His voice was quivering and he looked paler then Gerard. “Tre get her feet I’ll take her arms!” I saw her head flop about like a fish out of water. She was unconscious. I could feel hot, fresh tears flowing down my face. How could she? She was like my big sister! But that isn’t what killed me the most. What hurt was that I knew I could have done something. That I could have stopped her from doing this, I saw the blade! Why didn’t I do anything? I guess nerves got in the way. I couldn’t process what she was about to do, I kept telling myself “she’s not going to do this. She’s not going to do this.” But she did! God this is so horrible!

We rushed out of the place as everyone slowly made a way for us.

Aren’t you not supposed to move people when they could be fatally injured? You should have tried to stop the bleeding, but maybe should have also called 911 like, 15 minutes ago.

I could see Gerard looking after us concerned, with Lisa trying to kiss him again. It disgusted me. Frankie, Ray, and Bob followed us to the cars. Billie and Addy rode with her in the ambulance and the rest of us rode in their Limo.

It’s been 3 hours since we got here. Maria’s in the ICU. My life is total shit right now. Gerard isn’t here, Frankie, Ray, and Bob are all really shaken up. Billie, Mike, Tre, and Addy are all crying hysterically. And I’m here in the corner regretting everything that happened tonight. Tears were still slowly rolling down my face.

“Is a Mr. Armstrong here?” A doctor came out asking for BJ.

“Right here,” Billie said walking over to him.

“Maria’s unconscious. The loss of blood made her immune system extremely weak, so you’ll have to wait a few hours before you may see her. She should be perfectly fine by tomorrow; she may still be a bit dizzy from the loss of blood. If you come back tomorrow then you’ll be able to see her. Until then I suggest that you get some rest, go home, and eat something.” The doctor told him like it was nothing to worry about.

Because this is clearly a doctor archetype I pulled out of my ass based on all the medical procedural shows I watched.

Hell he probably dealt with things like this everyday, why should he care if my best friend was dying. I sighed relived that everything was going to be fine. So I guess I shouldn’t say that she was dying.

Frankie, Ray, and I grabbed our stuff and headed out.

We arrived home about 2 hours later, after we all finished our third pack of cigarettes (each) we decided we should head home.

Well, you’re in Miami so you can’t go “home” and also if you went “home” why do you have to go to a different “home” from the first “home” ?

I will write the second home off to non-existent proofreading and poor writing skills, but I don’t think I can excuse not acknowledging the fact that the VMA’s were in Miami, and MCR all lived in Jersey, and Billie Joe and Maria lived in Oakland. No one can go home without at least a 3 hour flight.

I unlocked the door and walked into the house that Gerard and I shared. I couldn’t hear anyone moaning so I was guessing it was safe to go into Gee’s bedroom. I knocked gently on the door.

Well, here we are. At a very strange turning point for the story. To spice things up after a (at least) year long hiatus I went full throttle into the drama and pageantry fanfiction is known for. But Maria makes it out alive, and next week is a chapter that isn’t so much chapter as… copy and paste. It’ll all make sense next week.

*I’m a lot better now than my darkest hours, and definitely worlds better than when I wrote this story. Therapy is a gift, and so is having a healthy support system. Thanks family and friends.

** Or at all, really. Like George Washington says in Hamilton: Dying is easy sir, living is harder.

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