Legitimate Self Destruction #12 – Songs

This week’s chapter is not as intense as last week’s. This week we get a peak into Gerard’s mind. It’s not particularly deep, and not particularly useful in terms of story telling or character development. But it is a really great chapter if you want to hear fake-Gerard Way pine after fake-Maria.

Gerard’s POV

I sent Lisa home after I Frankie called my cell in an up rage.

I can only imagine people upvoting stuff on Reddit and just mumbling angrily while they click “What is this stupid shit?!”

I felt like shit. Maria had slit her wrist all because I was an idiot. I should have known that she would find out sooner or later. I don’t even know why I agreed to go out with Lisa. I mean sure she was really great and hott but I loved Maria. I mean I really loved Maria. I loved Maria. It just hit me that I’m truly, honestly, head over heals, in love with Maria Samantha Armstrong! I sat up and took out a pen and a piece of paper and I sat down at my desk. I started to write lyrics; all of the feelings that I had just poured out from me into my hand and onto the paper.

After about an hour I stopped and looked down to see what I had written.

Okay, so this is where I thought my “chapters” weren’t long enough so I decided to just copy and paste song lyrics here. It’s “The Jetset Life Is Gonna Kill You” on Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge. Which had already been out and in stores for like a year when I wrote this. So I asked everyone to suspend their disbelief for a minute to incorporate this random scene where Gerard writes this song. It’s really useless, but I felt it was important. Though I also felt it important to name all of her clothes so…

Gaze into her killing jar I’d sometimes stare for hours (sometimes stare for hours).
She even poked the holes so I can breathe.
She bought the last line.
I’m just the worst kind.
Of guy to argue.
With what you might find.
And for the last night I lie.
Could I lie with you?

[Chorus:]
Alright
Give up
Get down. It’s just the hardest part of living.
Alright
She wants
It all to come down this time.

Lost in the prescription she’s got something else in mind (something else in mind).
Check into the Hotel Bella Muerte.
It gives the weak flight.
It gives the blind sight.
Until the cops come.
Or by the last light.
And for the last night I lie.
Could I lie next to you?

[Chorus x2]

Pull the plug.
But I’d like to learn your name.
When holding on.
Well I hope you do the same.
Awww sugar.
Slip into this tragedy you’ve spun this chamber dry.

[Chorus x2]

Pull the plug.
But I’d like to learn your name.
And holding on.
Well I hope you do the same.
Awww sugar.

(Lyrics by: My Chemical Romance.

Song: The Jetset Life Is Gunna Kill You. I know that song is already on the CD but pretend it’s not for right now.)

See. This is almost as bad as when someone would write a high school AU and have an author’s note at the beginning that would say “I know they’re all different ages and didn’t live in the same town but pretend they did.”

I was only focused on word count because who cares about content? Am I right?

A while ago I hung out with my friend Phil and we were sharing terrible writing stories and he said he had never done anything as bad as “pasting an entire song into a story.” I then had to explain this and I think he might still be laughing.

I liked it. I liked it a lot. It described how I felt. How I thought she felt, and thought about me. I heard a knock on the door. I looked at the time. HOLY FUCK! It was already 3AM!? Mikey walked in and sat down on the bed next to me.

“Why didn’t you come to the hospital?” He asked disgusted. Hey he had the right to be.

“Because I knew that it was my fault.” I said softly looking out the window. I was praying that Maria would just climb through there like she had the night we came back from touring.

Flash Back….

I was lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. If I stared long enough I could make the words “FUCK ME” out of a crack. I was bored. It was like 2AM, I had gotten back from the tour like an hour ago and I couldn’t fall asleep. Ever since Maria had left the tour I was an insomniac.

I was so goddamn BORED! I just needed to see Maria. I mean sure I was technically dating Lisa, but that was only until she felt secure enough to date other people.

What? How does that logic make any sense? That’s admitting to the fact that you’re the rebound boyfriend, just warming the seat for the next dude. What if she actually fell in love with him? What would he do then?

I heard a small thump by the window. I turned over to see Maria squatting there looking around the room.

“Maria?” I asked questioningly. I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or not.

“Gerard!!” She said happily running over to me. She lay down and kissed me softly. I missed her lips on mine so deathly much! She gently rubbed her tongue along the bottom of my lip before moving it to the roof of my mouth. I moaned softly into the kiss. She gently pulled away. I smiled up at her and she smiled down at me. I shifted my self so that she could lie next to me.

We spent the night talking and sharing the occasional kiss. She was so sweet!! We fell asleep at about 7; when I woke up she wasn’t there. I felt sort of empty.

HOW DID SHE GET ACROSS THE FUCKING COUNTRY?! WHY?! I have endless questions and I’m the person who wrote this. But seriously, if you asked me at the time what was going to happen next I would probably tell you that next Gerard will confess his love to Maria by playing the song outside her hospital window only to find Maria making out with Quinn again. So really, fuck everything I thought I knew about story structure.

End Flash Back…

“Sure as fucking hell it was your fault!!!” Mikey said outraged. His face was turning beat red

Take two shots for my fuck up on this homonym. I don’t think you can turn the color of a sound unless you have synesthesia and can actually see sounds and taste colors.

and he looked even madder then the time I broke his red fire truck and that was when he was 5 and I was 9.

I legit took this because it’s the plot of a fanfic I read where Mikey drowns, and Gerard didn’t get there in time so he only sees the red fire truck wash up on the shore.

“I know Mikey!! I know and I feel horrible about it!!” I could feel tears cascade down my cheeks. I felt so pitiful, sitting there crying. Hoping that the love of my life would come through my bedroom window; yet that dream would never come a reality. Or would it?

I can only imagine this the way a villain hatching a plan would say it.

I couldn’t fucking think I just wanted a smoke so badly.

“GOOD!” Mikey said getting up and leaving. What a lovely brother I have. I stood up and stretched. I grabbed my ratty worn leather jacket that Mikey and Frankie pitched in to buy me on my 25th birthday. Maria had always loved to wear that jacket. I could feel more tears rolling down my cheeks as I grabbed my keys and ran out of the house. I drove fast and long. I ended up at the hospital, outside Maria’s room.

Okay, full disclosure, I haven’t actually read this all the way through since I wrote it about 10 years ago. So that prediction I made was actually pretty spot on. Do I know myself, or do I know myself?

The nurses said that I could see her. I was so fucking nervous. I walked and I looked at her tender sleeping body. I sat next to her and took off my jacket, I lay it over her and she woke up.

Like a much less rape-y version of Sleeping Beauty. Or like a small child asleep on a long car ride.

“Gerard…” She said rather startled.

“Hey,” I said, trying to look sweet with salty, cold tears streaming down my cheeks, down my chin, and onto the sheets.

“Why are you here?” She sounded weak. Of course she was weak; she just sliced her arm open and watched the hot, crimson blood flow out strongly.

I’m just making a bunch of strangled groans alone in my apartment after reading that sentence. It’s shit like this that gives fanfic writers a bad rep. It’s also the fact that I was 12 when I wrote this that gives fanfic writers a bad rep.

I still write fan fiction, and still read a lot of it, and there is some very high quality stuff out there. It’s not all 15 year olds who are overly excited about adjectives.

Wow, that was more detailed then I thought it would be. She also sounded annoyed. I mean I could understand why; I hadn’t shown up when this happened, I was making out with her best friend, and I pretty much cheated on her. Damn I was a horrible guy.

Well, as long as he recognizes it.

“I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry,” I said trying to wipe the tears away. I probably didn’t look too good right now. I could feel the tears soaking into my cheeks and making them stiff and unmoving.

“You didn’t have to say it. I kind of knew that you were sorry after you make out with my best friend while I commit suicide and then you don’t show up here. I can tell you’re really sorry.” She said harshly, her voice dripping with sarcasm on every word. She looked at me with the what-the-hell-are-you-thinking? look.

I mean, she’s got every right to think you’re an asshole. You acted like an asshole. And like a character on a soap opera. But those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

“Listen to me!” I pleaded now. I must have looked so pathetic. “I didn’t know what was going on. Ok? Lisa came onto me and I was trying to pull away but she kept kissing me. I admit that I kissed back at one point but please I really didn’t mean to hurt you!!” I was begging her to understand.

Conflicting stories! Oh it hurts me.

Mentally I was killing myself slowly and painfully. She looked at me as if telling me to continue. “When Frankie called I was so confused that I just sat at home all night crying until Mikey came home and yelled at me for it. I realized something really important, I love you.  I truly, truly love you! Without you my life would be the band, and nothing else. I wouldn’t have anything to look forward to. You’re my one and only Maria!! Don’t do this to me! It was totally non-intentional!! But you are the love of my life…”

She looked up at me shocked. I could see her mouth starting to move trying to form words. I smiled a little in spite of myself.

“I…You…this…” She stuttered endlessly, I found it quite cute I had to smile more at her. She looked up at me and smiled a little. Her hair was messed up, and no one had bothered to take off her make-up. She did have one of the hospital gowns on. She looked at me and smiled softly, I could see sorrow and confusion in her eyes. I knew that she still had plenty of secrets to tell me, and I still had secrets of my own. But I could live with that fact, and every secret we revealed we could be one step closer to knowing the true person behind the fake smile.

Okay, super ridiculously cheesy, but I kind of still love this sentiment.

Also I’m sorry most of this chapter was song lyrics for a song you can download. When I wrote it my thought process was “I have no idea what to write, but I need to write something, it’ll look a lot longer if I just copy and paste song lyrics in. I’ve seen other people do that.”

Just because other people do something doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. I learned that the hard way.

The next chapter is literally my favorite thing I’ve ever written in the world. I know, a lot of build up. But there’s a plot twist that you won’t see coming. And I can’t wait until you read it.

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