Legitimate Self Destruction #13 – Surprise

We have come to my favorite chapter, my favorite thing I’ve ever written, my favorite dumb weird plot twist.

It’s a chapter full of surprises, and enough teenage angst to fill a Hot Topic. Please enjoy it.

Maria’s POV

Gerard looked so…indescribably adorable. I smiled softly at him. He studied my eyes as I studied his. Behind the green, hazel surface, I could see pain, judgment, and suffering.

Oh, did you forget what color Gerard’s eyes were? I don’t think I’ve mentioned it recently. In case you forgot, they’re hazel.

His secrets would either hurt us, or make us stronger, and I could only hope for the second. Yet I knew that my secrets could do the same. Many people think that because I’m Billie Joe’s sister and because I live with him my life is perfect. My life is far from it. Far, far, from perfect…

Literally no one reading this story thinks that. I definitely think that you should probably talk to a therapist and take up yoga and start painting. Really try to figure out these demons.

But also, at 13, I was in a weird phase of romanticizing mental illness. I read a lot of books about teenagers going to psych wards. Puberty was a strange time for me.

“I forgive you,” I whispered softly to him. He smiled at me and took my hand in his. I was still plenty pissed at him but I guess love can conquer over all. Or in this case the pain pills can. I yawned and lay my head on the pillow. Gerard gently stroked my hair softly.

Gently and softly are basically the same thing. I hate adverbs.

“You’re perfect.” He whispered.

“I’m fa. . . far from perfect.” I yawned out.

So I’ve heard.

“Mr. Way, I’m sorry but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” A nurse came in and told him.

“Oh of course,” He said kissing my forehead and walking out of the room.

No good bye, no I love you? He just leaves?! Some “boyfriend” he is.

“He’s really your boyfriend?” The nurse asked changing the water in my flowers.

“Yep, he is.” I said smiling a little. I could never stay mad at him for very long.

“You’re very lucky. He seems like the perfect guy.” She said sitting in the chair he was previously in.

“Thanks, but he’s far from perfect.” She smiled at me.

We get it! You have flaws! He has flaws! We all have flaws! Please stop using the word perfect.

“I’m Samantha.” She said holding out her hand.

“I’m Maria, but I guess you already knew that.” I said shaking her hand graciously. She smiled at me and we chatted for a little until I fell asleep. I woke the next morning to the sun streaming in from the open blinds. I could go home today. I didn’t really want to go home. The house would be big and empty; Addy had taken the boys to go camping, to get away from this depressing atmosphere.

How the fuck do you have that information? These psychic powers I gave her really should have been explained better. Also, you’re still (as far as I can tell based on the text) in Miami because that’s where the VMA’s were. So this is a real awkward situation where not only are you a mind reader, everyone can teleport.

“Maria, you’re awake.” I heard from the darkest corner of the room. I saw a figure stand up, the blinds were quickly shut and I was plummeted into darkness.

PLUMMETED into darkness. This is getting intense guys, hang on to your hats.

The figure stepped out to where I could just make out the silhouette. NO, it couldn’t be! I thought. . . . He said. . . . NO! “I was waiting since you fell asleep last night.”

“You said you’d leave me alone!” I said rather nervously. I wanted to ring for the nurse but I was too scared to ring the buzzer.

“I said I would. I never promised.” He said taking a step closer to me. I pushed back on the bed.

Clearly verbiage is very important to this random nameless stalker, who you know, but don’t know that you know that yet. I’m very excited about this chapter.

“Leave.” I said trying to cover the quavering fear in my voice with confidence.

“You know. . . I don’t think I will.” He said stroking my cheek. I flinched at his touch and moved my head away from him. “you left me just when I wanted you the most Maria.” He moved closer to me and his facial features seemed more ghostly and pail. “Things have changed since we last met. And I don’t think it’s for the better.” He smiled and I saw them.  The two teeth. So prominent and white. The fangs.

“You can’t be…” I said shocked and horrified. This wasn’t going to happen.

“Oh but I am. I’m now one of the living undead, a Vampire.” He said the word so boldly. It ripped through me like knives through paper.


Yup, I had to cash in on all that Twilight money* and include some vampires. I don’t know why I capitalized vampire.

There was this series of books called Vampire Kisses** (that I basically wanted to live in) which is probably where this random vampire scene came in. And also Twilight.

And also that’s what alternative kids were into in the mid 2000s. Staying up on the hip-happening trends has always been my strong suite.

“You wouldn’t dare…” I said knowing what he must have been thinking.

“But I would…” He said walking into the small slimmer of light shining in from the hallway window.

I looked up the definition of slimmer: slimmer |ˈslimər|
noun Brit.
a person who is dieting to lose weight: they advise slimmers to get the right fat intake.

And I really wish I didn’t do that because then I could have just laughed at my own idiocy instead of being upset that whatever dictionary Apple puts on their computers uses this as the definition.

His hair shown with the lush fullness that only the Vampires I’ve read about and watched on screen posses.

I mean, as opposed to all the real vampires I hang out with now.

I’m telling you, I would find this much more compelling if I rewrote it with Harry Potter instead of Gerard. OH MY GODS MARIA IS GINNY, AND RON IS BILLIE JOE, AND THIS COULD ACTUALLY WORK… in a terribly great way. Like a shaved bear.

His eyes were no longer warm and gentle but cold and empty, it was as if his soul had been sucked right out of him, and was handed to Satin himself.

Okay now I’m just going to finish my drink, but I’ll let you decide how to play this embarrassingly wrong word in the Legitimate Self Destruction Drinking Game ™

My suggestion, finish drink or take two shots.

Hail satin, lord of fabric.

And his skin. It was the softest shade of peach there could be, without actually being white.

Peach and white are two completely different colors. This is not possible.

His teeth shown brightly and I shuddered in fear. He wouldn’t do this to me, not me. He was so nice, so sweet, he wouldn’t turn over and just, just, just bite me like that.

No, he’s definitely a dick. Everything we know about Quinn in this story points to him being a giant dick.

He flashed his teeth once more before leaning to my neck and kissing it softly. I whined a little at the feeling of his lips on my neck. I could feel the fangs, feeling around for where to bite.

“When I say three…” He said softly. “1. . . 2 . . .”

Just before 3 the door opened.

“Maria?” A voice asked. They must have looked over at the bed. “OH MY GOD!!!” I felt the weight of him leave me and I sat there shaking slightly from nerves. He looked up at me.

“3.” And then it happened. I could feel the pressure on my neck and, heard the slight rip of my flesh as the blood began to flow. But, this would only be a bight…unless, I drank his blood. I would never do something that heinous.

The only acceptable usage for heinous is when imitating Bill & Ted. Or casually slipping it into your daily conversations with your boss, just to see if he’ll react to your 20 year old slang. (He didn’t.)

He looked up at me, and cut his own wrist open with a small switchblade that he carelessly threw to the side. He put his wrist to my lips, but I pressed them together, I wouldn’t let this happen to me. I couldn’t do that to everyone I loved. Becoming a child of the night was always a dream of mine, yes, but now that I think about it, that was when I was 12 and obsessively listened to Rancid and dreamed of dating Tim Armstrong.

Oh so many things about this make my head hurt. The phrase “child of the night” should be put on a hit list along with any reference to orbs when talking about eyes.

I pushed Quinn off of me and heard a small oof from under him. Even from the dim lighting I could see a slow stream of blood trickle from his arm and soak into his shirt, like red wine on a white table cloth. He quickly realized what happened, and shot up clutching his arm in pain, as he ran out of the room slamming the door behind him.

Yet not a single nurse comes running in, and no one mentions it ever again, and it just sort of happened and then evaporated into thin air.

I kept my head down and saw Lisa sitting there rubbing her stomach. “Quinn weighs a lot.” She said groaning as she sat up and leant against the wall. I laughed slightly.

“Sorry. I didn’t realize that you were under him.”

“It’s ok. I should be the one apologizing to you. If I had never gone out with Gerard then none of this would happen.” She said looking down at the switchblade in her hand, dripping with Quinn’s luscious red blood.

“Don’t think that. I was getting fed up anyway. I’m just glad that I’m not going to be staying here all alone.” Lisa lived in Berkley right around where my old apartment was. I moved out because I was getting into drugs, and I was fired from my design internship. I stayed with Billie Joe and cleaned up my act, well he forced me too. Now I’m back on my feet, I’m starting my own clothing line, and well you’ll find out.

You won’t. I didn’t think you expected that to happen, but I can tell you with confidence that she doesn’t start her own clothing line. However it is fashion related.

Also, see how great I did at including expository information. Just the greatest.

“OH ya! Weren’t you going to move in around me?”

“Ya, for now can I move in…with you?”

“Oh, of course,” She smiled up at me, and I smiled back.

“I’M FREE!!” I shouted walking out of the hospital. I jumped and shouted and I hugged this lady, who must have been a lawyer because she was yelling into a cell phone about something important.

Because of course only lawyers do that.

I wasn’t paying much attention. I felt bad for the lady though. I mean this 28 year old girl with long neon blue hair and jeans and a band t-shirt suddenly running up and hugging her. You’d be a bit scared too.

“Maria, calm down! You’re scaring these poor people.” Lisa said laughing and filming every second of me jumping around.

“You know I should show this to Bam!” I said taking my skateboard out of my car, that Lisa drove here so nicely for me, and grinding down the railing.

This is just not how leaving the hospital after a suicide attempt works. The misconceptions of 13 year old me just pains present day me.

Also, when did skateboarding enter into this hot mess of a story? You literally never mentioned it before right now and all of a sudden you can do grindy thingys?

It would make sense for Bam to be dragged into this mess. It was around 2006 when I wrote this, the height of Viva La Bam.

“For a person who just left a hospital, and almost got turned into a vampire, you’re pretty hyper.”

“Well they gave me this pill that’ll help reform blood cells because of all the blood I lost, and it’s making me hyper.”

A nice explanation that is not in any way scientifically accurate.

I did a 360 flip (of the board not me) off the rail and then stumbled off the board. That was about the extent of my skateboarding. Lisa laughed and turned off the camera. We drove off to Billie’s house and loaded my stuff into my tight little mini coop. It was really funny because I was driving with my bags shoving the seat as far forward as it would go, Lisa was being his with some of my other stuff, and backing up? It couldn’t be done.

I still think this is a good line.

But finally, we arrived at Lisa’s apartment and we managed to haul all of my junk up and into the new room.

We started this little project as 10AM, by the time we finished, it was 6PM. I laughed as I stared at my digital clock on my nightstand. I was flopped on my bed, my leg against the wall, one of my arms off the bed and the other laying flat on it, and my head at an angle hanging off it.

“I’M BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I whined to Lisa.

“Well that’s great for you! Hey, this lady who works at the hair salon I work at works at Tripp, maybe we can go down and hook you up with some connections?” Lisa asked standing up. I vigorously nodded my head and looked over at her smiling insanely.

Well, there it is. My surprise vampire chapter, which includes some of the most hilarious bits of insight into my puberty addled mind. Next week’s chapter actually physically pains me to re-read, but will be a chance to look back on middle school insecurities.

*please note, I never made any money on this because… well… you’ve read it.

**I looked up the series and it ended in 2012 and I have already taken out the first book from the library. It’s not quite as badly written as this, but is definitely geared toward middle schoolers.


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