2016: My Year Without Pants – Not Pants

So it’s been a hot second since I updated the world on my journey without real pants. Last time I checked in it was because of my longing and desire to once again put on a pair of jeans and have pockets. This time I’m giving you a definition that was briefly touched on in one of my earlier posts.

The definition of Not Real Pants.

Not Real Pants are a close relative of Real Pants. They share a common look, and sometimes are even indistinguishable from Real Pants. But there are a few important things about Not Real Pants that give them the Not Real prefix.

Here is my definitive list of what makes them Not Real:

  1. They are not held up by belts – Generally not real pants are elastic waist and stretch as wide as your food baby needs. No belt required, no extra pressure on that tummy.
  2. They do not have zippers or buttons – Another way to close and hold up REAL pants. These devices, while not inherently uncomfortable do make it difficult to nap comfortably in real pants.
  3. Made from a material you COULD nap in – every pair of Not Real Pants that I own is also something that I would (and probably have) take a nap in. They allow for a seamless transition from awake to sleep. Perfect for travel, waiting in long lines, or simply passing out on your own couch after coming home slightly drunk at 5pm.
  4. Generally (but not always) do not come with pockets – This is an important distinction, while I down own Not Real Pants that have pockets I also own several pairs of pajamas that have pockets. It does not make them real or socially acceptable Pants. Most Not Real Pants don’t come with pockets and thus my life is that much more difficult. Being a woman, amirite?!

It’s not a long list. It feels like that should be an easy list to comprehend. Yet every time I encounter a man who knows of my Year Without Pants I’m met with the same refrain “But you’re wearing pants!”

Let me say it quite loudly: LEGGINGS DO NOT COUNT AS PANTS

Leggings (what you will see me in when not wearing skirts or dresses) adhere to all of the rules listed above. They are the ultimate in Not Real Pants because they can give the illusion of pants. Now, if there are any questions leave them below.


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